Silence and I
by temarisgf
Summary: AU. Hiruzen's first mistake was underestimating the villagers' hatred for the jinchuuriki. His second was staying complacent as they kept mistreating him. Naruto didn't have it in him to smile anymore, or speak. How is a self-loathing, depressed mute supposed to become a ninja? (selective mustism!naruto, deaf!sakura, ptsd!sasuke, side narusaku)
1. Prologue

In a fleeting moment of clarity, Naruto suddenly realizes that he hasn't spoken in two weeks.

He doesn't know what to do with this information. Should he try talking out loud? To himself? He never did like the sound of his own voice very much, he always found it to be too scratchy and the villagers apparently hated it too. Plus, staying silent the past fifteen days had somehow lessened their abuse and it was the only solace he could find after Iruka-sensei died.

Now that he thinks about him, his death was two weeks ago. The villagers blamed him, of course, because he was trouble and a bad seed and Iruka got close to him so it's his fault that he died. After his funeral, two chuunin grabbed him and beat him senseless, under the general indifference of other ninjas. He didn't scream, nor protest. It wasn't even near the worst thing that he's been through.

He killed Iruka's family and now he's completed the job.

_He deserves it_, one of them whispered. He doesn't know when he started believing in the things they said about him.

Naruto dreads going to the Academy. It used to be his favorite time of the day because he got to see the only person who cared about him. He has class in ten minutes and doesn't think he can take his last year without Iruka.

It's as if his hope died along with him. Iruka was more than his sensei; he was Naruto's friend, his big brother, and he represented a possible future in which he'd be accepted by the villagers.

He's walking under their eyes right now and he almost misses them spitting and throwing eggs at him when he catches them looking away from his gaze. The most he gets now is a few whispered _monster_, but most of the time they just ignore him.

It's worse. It's so much worse. He just wants to be acknowledged, and in a way he also doesn't.

From the height of his office, Hiruzen watches as Naruto walks to the Academy, his head lowered and his feet dragging.

That attitude of him couldn't just be the result of his sensei's death, he thinks. He's observed as Naruto isolated himself more, and tried to fit in less over the past months. Something must have happened.

He walks back to his desk and sits on his chair.

Kushina had asked him to take care of Naruto before she died. He put him in the Academy for free. The rest is up to him.

* * *

Something has changed in the village, Naruto notices as he walks home. The people seem more connected, less angry. He thinks it has something to do with him.

They used to be united against him, of course. It must have felt good for them to have something tangible to blame and hate. He was the cause of many deaths and they wanted some sort of revenge. In retrospect, they probably would have left him alone sooner if he hadn't fought back as much as he had.

Was it fun for them? There must be some kind of power trip attached to the shared hatred of a common target. Especially when that target just kept asking for more.

It must not be fun anymore now that he doesn't react. Maybe they reached their goal. Maybe they never really wanted revenge, they just wanted him gone. And now it's as if he was. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and sees only the shell of himself.

* * *

What he isn't used to is being ignored by his classmates, until he recognizes that it's already been going on for a while.

He used to crave for their attention, their friendship. The only time that he got them to talk to him was when he was all up in their faces. Negative attention was always better than no attention, so he would love it even when the only words they said to him were shouted.

He finds that the thought of anyone speaking to him right now fills him with anxiety.

He is pulled out of his thoughts by Shino sitting next to him. No one really wants to sit next to him but he has been for the past month or so, a little more even. He was a quiet guy. He must appreciate Naruto's silence.

The new chuunin sensei – Tetsuo or something, Naruto hasn't bothered learning his name just like he didn't bother acknowledging Naruto – arrived, and immediately started taking attendance.

"Ami?"

"Here!"

"Fuku?"

"Here, sir!"

"Sasuke?"

His answer was muffled by his hands, perpetually in front of his face, and also by the squeals of his fangirls.

Naruto rolls his eyes. If there is one thing that can somewhat bring him out of his numbness, it is the frustration that came with having a classmate like Sasuke. He doesn't understand how he can gather so much attention while being so uncaring and haughty. Naruto used to work so hard for people to even look at him!

He only has to make it six more months and then he won't have to see the boy again.

"Sakura?"

"Here!" Her voice comes out loud and unsure, her diction imperfectly cute, Naruto thinks.

Tetsuo-sensei kept calling names until he got to Naruto. His heart jumped.

He opens his mouth to speak and realizes the sound won't come out. He tries again, still nothing. He feels the eyes of his classmates on him and a deep blush adorns his cheeks as he decides to simply raise his hand, his heart rate increasing noticeably.

Tetsuo-sensei moves on, and Naruto doesn't.

The chuunin had already been looking at him when he called his name. For the other students, his eyes were kept on his sheet, waiting for a verbal confirmation of their presence. Did he predict that Naruto wouldn't talk? Has he been silent for that long? Did he not answer him 'here' in the three months that passed, not even once?

Why couldn't he talk? Why did the silence feel so safe?

* * *

_There's a hand on his mouth and a breath on his neck. He's trying all he can to escape the man behind him but he's stronger, faster. His hold on him seems unbreakable and Naruto tries to scream but nothing comes out. It hurts, it burns, and the only sounds he hears are the man's grunts and the melody of his own heartbeat, playing a song of fear and growing hatred. _

He wakes up in a cold sweat, his bed soaked and his breath ragged.

_I'm ok. I'm ok. It's over now and it was just a bad dream._

He wishes he could say those words out loud so he could believe them better.

* * *

**A/N: thank u for reading, please leave a review if want me to continue this! tell me what you think, it motivates me to write!**

**(just a heads up: if i do continue this, there wouldn't be a pairing, or maybe narusaku towards the end. but whatever, let's see if i even continue this first! i really wanna though. I think it'd be interesting to see how a more traumatized naruto evolves as a ninja, what kind of person/ninja would he be? definitely not as nice as in canon i'd say!)**

**EDIT: AS YOU CAN NOW READ IN THE SUMMARY, NARUSAKU IS DEF HAPPENING. WAY LATER ON. ON THE SIDE.**


	2. Epiphanies

It's in the short moments, when he's not in a depressed haze, that Naruto realizes he's not totally being ignored by his classmates.

It goes like this: he walks into the classroom and sits at his desk. The chatter of the aspiring genin are faded and they seem to be melted into the background, until Shino sits down next to him, or until their whispers are attached with long looks that Naruto can't help but notice.

It seems that Sasuke's method of keeping some distance is quite a good way of attracting attention. But he doesn't want it anymore, it just makes him squirm in his seat.

Naruto feels a presence sit next to him and ignores it.

He realizes Shino had already sat next to him, so this must be someone else. He had decided to sit in the middle of the three seats instead of the one on the far left and didn't expect anyone else to fill it.

His heart rate increases as he thinks of all the possible scenarios explaining why someone would willingly choose to sit next to him. Is it a prank? A dare? Sit next to the monster and try to survive?

His brain stops overworking when he makes eye contact with a pair of light green eyes.

Sakura-chan.

Huh. He supposes they are kind of similar now, aren't they? He can't talk, she can't hear. And her speech has only recently become intelligible. Her pronunciation used to be so bad, it was almost as if she couldn't speak either.

He… feels bad. Naruto used to have this huge crush on her and he'd harass her and scream in her ears to make her hear him. It couldn't have been fun and he feels bad for being one of the people who made it hard for her to fit into the Academy, even if his intentions were for the opposite.

He hopes she's not trying to make him talk like he used to try to make her hear, because he doesn't feel like he can right now.

(It's a weird feeling. He feels like he could talk if he wanted to when he's at his house and then he comes to the Academy and the words get stuck in his mouth. Or before that, in his throat, or his diaphragm. He doesn't really excell in anatomy. Anyway, when he can't talk, it always feels temporary yet the disability continues.)

Sakura smiles at him and if Naruto was capable feeling anything other than the frustrating sorrow of not feeling anything, he'd smile right back. But just like he couldn't speak, he couldn't smile. Like his mouth is sealed shut and his emotions are locked in.

She signs something and Naruto frowns. Does she think he's become deaf? He shakes his head to make her understand that, she's wrong and he doesn't sign and also it's kind of rude to assume that and just, start signing when she's completely capable of communicating with words. Sort of.

She gives him a look, sort of a _ok? You get it?_ But he doesn't! He tells her so by shaking his head again. She just smiles. Then she looks back at someone behind him and gives the person a thumbs up.

* * *

Sakura never thought she particularly cared for Naruto.

For so long, all he's ever been to her was an annoying nuisance who annoyed her. He was loud even to her, that has to be some sort of accomplishment in itself.

But Naruto, his mere presence, was also a sort of constant in her life. At least, it used to be.

She remembers the first time she thought of him as more than some big oaf. She still had trouble making friends even with Ino's help. The girls would make fun of her behind her back and the boys would mock the way she spoke during class.

(They think she doesn't know because she can't hear them, but she's a sensory type. She's learned to use her chakra to detect the slightest change in a person's demeanor. Chakra is everywhere in a person's body, and she can feel even the smallest amount, like the chakra coursing through the thin veins of the lips of someone mocking her.)

One of the boys imitated her voice after she read the shinobi rules for the class, and Naruto had pounced on him and tackled him to the floor. She managed to read his lips as he was being carried out by Iruka-sensei; _you think because she's deaf that you can make fun of her? You'll never be as good as her, buddy! Because you don't know what it's like __to be different__!_

That wasn't the first time he'd stood up for her. But it was the first time she realized it was more than just him trying to impress her. Somehow, because he was always smiling, she never thought of him as vulnerable.

But then Iruka-sensei died, and then he stopped talking.

Looking back on their relationship, she realized that Iruka was Naruto's only friend.

With him gone, he needed a new one.

She expressed her wanting to befriend Naruto and all her friends told her not to approach him. She asked them why, and they told her he was trouble. None of them explained, though. Ino talked to her privately afterwards and encouraged her to do it. She remembers Ino wanting to approach Naruto several times when they were younger but her father had forbade her from talking to him every time.

She wished she was more like Ino. The girl seemed snobbish and mean at first glance so people never bothered her but in reality, she was the most caring person she knew. Ino is compassionate and gentle and she would be the greatest friend to Naruto. But she's also a daddy's girl; she'll never disobey her father.

So it's up to her now. Plus she has been wanting to do for someone else what Ino did for her. What you give out, you get back. It works backwards too.

Knowing Naruto's breathing easier because of her would be the greatest reward.

* * *

The void Iruka left in Naruto's heart when he died will most likely never be filled. But Sakura is a good distraction from the pain.

Sometimes, Naruto misses Iruka so much that it physically hurts. He can feel his throat start to tighten, then his heart starts to clench and he knows that his whole body will hurt too. Like he's so cold that he can't move and doing so is the most uncomfortable sensation he's ever experienced.

(Or the second, but he doesn't want to think about that anymore.)

Then one smile from Sakura warms up his whole body and he forgets about the pain temporarily.

He doesn't want to not experience that warmth. It's his only comfort, his only support. Sometimes he doesn't know why he keeps going and then he remembers Sakura and everything about her and he dismisses those dark thoughts.

He picks up a book one day. _Sign Language For Beginners_.

Naruto wants to be able to communicate with her better, to be closer to her and so he starts learning how to sign. He ends up really liking it. When he doesn't force himself to memorize every sign by heart, he finds that his muscle memory did all the work for him. It was almost like mudras but for communication.

The look on Sakura's face when he first signs to her is priceless. She breaks into the biggest smile and he's pretty sure she almost tears up.

He understands. No one really bothered learning sign language besides him and Ino.

And Iruka-sensei. Naruto almost smiles sarcastically at the thought; Tetsuo was nowhere near as good a sensei he was. He wouldn't let Sakura sign and he'd get frustrated when he couldn't understand what she was saying.

Naruto doesn't like him. Actually, he kind of hates him. He never thought he'd ever have it in him to hate someone he sees everyday but he does. It's already hard feeling regular emotions even when Sakura is involved yet the hate came pretty easy.

It's not just his attitude or his general incapacity of being a decent sensei. It's mostly how much of a dick he's been to Sakura and him. And others too, like Hinata or Chouji. Everyone that wasn't a conventional archetype for a ninja, he mistreated.

Naruto hates injustice. His whole life is a massive injustice. So to be witness to someone being so unjust to his new favorite person was really perturbing him.

_Oh._

He freezes. _My favorite person._ That used to be Iruka. When the chuunin died, Naruto almost didn't recover from the pain. What if he loses Sakura too? They're going to be ninjas, her death is a constant possibility; some would even say it's an eventuality.

He can't go through the loss of a dear friend again. He's certain it would kill him. What was he thinking, getting close with someone else? Someone else he could lose?

How could he let himself care for another person? He let his guard down for what; a kind smile? A comforting presence? A sympathetic girl who could let him not talk without feeling weird about it?

It doesn't matter anymore. He needed affection and now he's dealing with the unspoken condition: the fear, the worry and the eventual agony. He'll lose her too and his heart will bear another hole.

...

No.

He won't lose her. He'll do everything in his power to protect her, always.

_If it's the last thing I do._

* * *

"Naruto, you're next!"

Naruto obeys and gets in front of the other kids, waiting for his sparring partner to be announced. He hears the usual _I hope I'm not partnered with him_ and ignores it. He's become too numb to be brought down by those words.

Tetsuo-sensei looks around until he spots the person he was looking for.

"Sasuke! You're up!"

The boy walks up to him under the cheers and the squeals of several girls and Naruto notices that Sakura cheered for them both. _She's just nice like that._

His impression of Sasuke had changed over the past months. When he stopped talking, he also started paying more attention.

Sasuke wasn't the cool, unbothered guy everyone thought he was. He may look calm on the surface but Naruto knew better. He is agitated, angry, frustrated. His body may look still in the classroom but Naruto's noticed his leg bouncing up and down agitatedly more than once.

His eyes also betray him quite often.

This will be interesting.

Sasuke was the one to beat, for everyone. And Naruto's been training even harder lately.

"Don't forget the spar sign."

They don't.

Sasuke swings first, and Naruto barely avoids his fist. He swings at him again, and again, as Naruto can't do anything other than dodge. Sasuke changes his pattern and his fist finally makes contact with his cheek, the blond stumbling backwards.

_Shit._

He takes advantage of Naruto's loss of focus to sweep his leg to make him fall on his back.

But where Sasuke had speed, Naruto had strength.

Before Sasuke can straddle him to restrain his movements, Naruto kicks at his stomach, sending him a few feet backwards. He gets up while his opponent recovers from the blow.

The cheers of their classmates seem distant as they both regard each other with a fiery glare.

In a second, they're at each other's throats again. Naruto's learned his lesson; he takes the lead by hitting Sasuke in the stomach first and when the boy bends at the waist, he elbows him between the shoulder blades and knees him in the face.

Sasuke doesn't give up though. He pushes through the pain inflicted by Naruto and grabs his legs, sending them both on the ground.

It isn't just a spar anymore. This was primal, both boys letting out their deeply buried emotions on the other. They wrestle on the ground uselessly until Naruto gets the upper hand and immobilizes Sasuke with his legs.

He's supposed to raise his fist at him and wait for Tetsuo-sensei to announce his win.

But he doesn't.

He raises his fist then crashes it on Sasuke's face. He does the same with his other fist. Then he starts again. And again, and again, and again.

He doesn't hear the screams of his classmates begging him to stop or the heavy steps of his sensei running towards them.

Why can't he stop? Why can't he stop?

His brain is telling his body to but it won't follow.

Deep down, he knows why it won't.

_I don't want to stop._

Sasuke suddenly blocks him, grabbing both his wrists forcefully. It snaps Naruto out of his own head and when he looks into Sasuke's eyes, he only sees red. The brunet headbutts him brutally, forcing him off of his body and kicks at his face, sending him into his sensei who was approaching them. Naruto gets out of Tetsuo's grasp and wipes at him nose uselessly. He was bleeding profusely and Sasuke was in an even worse state.

_What did you do you monster?_

He ignores his classmates looking at him and he ignores Tetsuo-sensei's harsh words – that mostly blamed him for what happened – and runs off the yard.

Naruto doesn't want to see any of them. Not even Sakura. He doesn't want to read the disappointment and the fear in her eyes. He's seen enough hateful glares for one day. Sasuke's was… chilling. He knows what the Sharingan is, everyone does, and it isn't what disturbed him. Sasuke has so much hate, and rage and the way he was looking at Naruto makes him think that he saw the same things in his eyes too.

The thought scares him. What he did scares him. And Sasuke was the reason, right?

Now he really can't wait to graduate. Maybe he's being a coward, but he doesn't want to deal with possibly becoming exactly what the villagers think he is. The genin exams are in two weeks and after that, he'll be able to ignore Sasuke forever, and everything will go back to normal.

* * *

**A/N: thank you for reading and for the last reviews! they were really nice.**

**clarification: when i mentionned chouji and hinata, i meant that they're both too nice for tetsuo's liking.**

**there will be more dialogue in the following chapters (and more words too)!**

**Also, while the story will mostly be about naruto's development, there _will_ be a plot (as well as small arcs) and a conclusion.**

**this is the most follows and favorites i've gotten on a new story, so thank you. the reviews were a little lacking though so if you have an opinion, please tell me! the good and the bad! do you like naruto and sakura's friendship? or did it feel off in some way? how do you feel about Tetsuo? about naruto and sasuke? is that also how u interpreted ino's character?**

**(for me: honestly, ino not befriending naruto when they were kids made no sense at all unless her dad told her not to. they really sold ino as a secretely compassionate person and a supportive friend yet they made her hate naruto too? there were a lot of inconsistencies with her.)**


	3. Acme

Naruto didn't think it was possible for his life to get any worse.

He should have expected it. What should this be any different? Why did he think that the rain and the clouds were only temporary, that one day the sky will get clearer?

Well, the answer to that one's easy; it's Sakura. She's great at giving you hope, at making you think the world's not all that ugly, not all that unfair.

But it is. And Naruto is very talented when it comes to self-hate and self-blame but even he knows he should have graduated. He passed all the tests, answered all the questions – Sakura acting as his interpret – and even beat the class prodigy in a taijutsu fight two weeks earlier.

For some stupid reason, he assumed that the crappy year he had at least had a silver lining to it, besides Sakura: he'd get to start brand new. The villagers would hate him from afar but he'd at least get to become a ninja, just a quiet one.

But apparently, according to Tetsuo-sensei, you can't be a ninja if you can't speak.

He really should've seen it coming. He can't believe he didn't see it coming. He feels kind of stupid right now for not seeing it coming. Of course Tetsuo-sensei would fail him, it made so much sense, really. It ties in perfectly with every other aspects of his life.

Sakura did stand up for him, trying to get their sensei to change his mind. He is grateful for her but he doesn't want her to take care of him. She's the one who inspired him to work as hard as he had lately, he wanted to become a ninja worthy of protecting her.

Guess he failed.

He… doesn't know what to do now. Should he pass the exam again? He's already failed several times and this time it felt final.

He doesn't have anything else.

Maybe he could become a cook? Work at Ichiraku's? Teuchi and Ayama are the only civilians who don't hate him, afterall.

No. He doesn't want to ruin their business.

Naruto lies on his bed. He always thought he'd be the one to prove everyone wrong, show them he's not a failure, break away from the preconceived idea they had of him. Becoming Hokage – his old dream – felt like the most flashy way of doing so.

He scoffs humorlessly. He can't even become a genin.

Naruto is brought out of his thoughts by a knock on his door. He frowns, beside the Third, no one's ever visited him before, not even Sakura.

He gets up lazily and goes to open the door.

_Sasuke?_

Naruto wonders what he's doing here. He lives in the outskirts of the village and Naruto lives in the center. The Uchiha boy doesn't wait for permission and enters his house, knocking his shoulder with his own.

"Why don't you have a forehead protector?"

Naruto just looks at him. Sasuke must be even more lost than him if he doesn't even know that he can't talk.

"Whatever," he continues. He looks agitated, tapping his thumbs with his others fingers repeatedly, almost like a calming gesture. "Do whatever you have to do become a ninja. I'm on a team with that deaf girl and they're looking for a third member. But I want you on my team."

Naruto cocks his head to the side, asking him _why?_

He sighs, looking away nervously. Naruto's noticed that sometimes, Sasuke looks so stressed that his eyes seem wider. The brunet crosses his arms, his hand squeezing his forearm.

Naruto's become a master of understanding physical language. While Sakura understands people thanks to her chakra sensitivity, Naruto's just become that much observant. He can tell that Sasuke doesn't want to be here, but that he feels like he needs to be. He can tell that, for some reason, having him on his team was very important.

"You're the only one who ever beat me at the Academy."

To Naruto, that sounded like a reason not to want someone on their team. He frowns in confusion.

"I need to get stronger, okay? I need you as a rival." Sasuke finishes.

He walks past Naruto, heading for the door but stops when his hand is on the handle. He turns around, seemingly having found his fire again and Naruto's almost surprised, but he knows how quickly Sasuke can change attitudes from having observed him in class.

"What are you?"

_Huh?_

"Because I've never heard of a Sharingan without tomoe. Or another doujutsu that involves red eyes so, again; what are you? You can't be an Uchiha, I'd know."

It's almost pleasant, feeling surprised. He hasn't felt that way in a while. If only he knew what the hell Sasuke's talking about.

Is… is that what he saw during their fight? Is that why he looked at him like that?

Sasuke notices Naruto's lost expression and nods, rolling his eyes. He leaves without another word.

Naruto closes the door behind him and stalks back to his bedroom. He lies on the floor this time, inbetween dirty socks and empty ramen boxes, and thinks. He hopes Sasuke was talking metaphorically when he mentionned red eyes. Like, he was so angry, he could only see red and that reflected on his eyes?

He wished he was that stupid, but he knows.

It's the Kyuubi.

* * *

Naruto ended up asking for a make up exam. Tetsuo agreed and told him to meet him in the forest.

He thinks it's an odd location, but whatever. After Sasuke left, Naruto spent a lot of time thinking – though, it's all he ever does, really. Naruto spends more time in his own head than anywhere else. He figured out something; the only times he feels anything at all, is when he's with Sakura or Sasuke.

Sakura is obvious. She makes him a little warm on the good days and he likes looking at her. She's his light and protecting her could give him a sense of purpose.

Sasuke on the other hand had the potential to make his blood boil. It's only happened once, during the test but he misses that feeling. And, having a rival would make him stronger, allowing Naruto to protect Sakura better.

(When you're numb, any sensation can become an addiction. Naruto thought he was too depressed to chase after anything anymore, especially something as fleeting as a feeling, but he's an addict now. Addicts don't make sense.)

It was hard at first, accepting that Sasuke wasn't the problem, just the trigger. Maybe the villagers were right about him, maybe he is a killing machine in the making. He finds that he doesn't care, anymore. He doesn't want to protect them. He doesn't want to serve the Leaf, or become Hokage. They can all go to hell, the only person he cares about is Sakura.

Joining Sasuke's team actually sounded like a good idea. Not only could he keep an eye on his friend from upclose and develop a rivalry with Sasuke, he also wouldn't have to worry about caring for other people.

Sasuke is like him in that sense. He has a goal – it's obvious, why else would he want to get stronger? – and during his time at the Academy, he's never bothered to make a friend, even though he was very popular.

Sasuke and him will never become friends. His jounin sensei will never care about him – it's the harsh reality of his life. Adults are all the same and adults all hate him.

So really, he has nothing to lose, right? It's not like he can get any lower.

Naruto senses a presence and looks behind him to find Tetsuo-sensei walking towards him. The man has a hard look on his face.

When he gets to Naruto's level, they stare at each other for a few seconds. Naruto waits for his instructions but Tetsuo-sensei keeps looking at him silently.

_He's mocking me._

"Did you really think I'd let you make up the exam?"

_Then why did you tell me to meet you here?_

"You killed my dad, you fucking monster. You actually thought I'd let a menace like you become a ninja?" Tetsuo chuckled humorlessly.

Naruto doesn't react. He just waits for it to be over. After all, he's faced worse humiliations. A few harsh words – that he's heard before, from different people – won't break him.

"I'm not weak like that fucking idiot Iruka. I don't forgive monsters, just because they look like little boys."

Naruto ground his teeth, his breath becoming ragged. How dare he bring Iruka into this?

"You might have fooled him, but you don't fool me. I see the monster in you. I bet you're just yearning to hurt me, aren't you?"

_Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up…_

"Yeah, I can see it in your eyes… is that the look you had when you killed hundreds in the village? When you killed Iruka's parents?" He continues.

Naruto couldn't look at him anymore. He faced away from his sensei, bringing his hands to his ears to try and block out his words, but it was useless.

"I bet you wished you'd killed him yourself."

Naruto snaps. Of course he snaps.

His face contorts into one of anger. The fire that burns inside him is scalding his veins, as if he was making up for the full year he spent forgetting that emotion.

"There it is! Come at me, demon!" Tetsuo laughs emptily.

_You asked for it._

Naruto runs at Tetsuo and jumps legs first, looking to kick at his chest but the chuunin grabs him by the ankle and throws him against a tree, denting it deeply. Not giving him the time to compose himself, Tetsuo throws a kunai on the tree, an explosive tag attached to it. The tree explodes, sending Naruto closer to his former sensei.

Tetsuo concentrates chakra in his leg and stomps hard on Naruto's stomach, making the latter cough up blood. He makes a sound, close to a choked up growl and it's the first time he's made a sound that loud in a year. It brings him out of his pained daze as he kicks the chuunin further from him.

Naruto gets up on his feet but Tetsuo immediately sends a fire jutsu his way. Naruto dodges it by jumping above it.

They don't learn their element release at the Academy, but he knows his is Futon. Iruka made him try a jutsu one afternoon and he failed miserably. But he's trained hard this year, and there's one wind style jutsu he knows.

While still in the air, Tetsuo sends another fire his way and Naruto counters it by blowing wind out of his mouth. The force of the combined chakra attacks keeps him afloat but he thinks he's made a mistake. His wind has made the fire bigger and it's attacking them both, eventually sending them backwards and away from each other.

He didn't know he had that much chakra… that wind jutsu was too powerful.

Naruto crawls his way to a tree to help him stand up, but Tetsuo was already stalking towards him angrily.

"I fucking knew it. You're nothing but a monster and everyone around you ends up dead!"

He wishes he didn't believe that.

What is he doing, again? He knows Tetsuo is right. It's not a curse or some kind of fate, it's just the truth.

But he made a promise to himself. He doesn't know whether Sakura is safer with him around or not, but if there's something from the old Naruto that's still inside him, it's his unwillingness to ever break a promise.

Naruto gets up on his feet and brings his hands together, his index and middle finger forming a right angle with his other index and middle finger.

The next thing he knew, poofing sounds were heard all around him and Tetsuo as multiple shadow clones appeared everywhere. His eyes were fixed on Tetsuo though, and the chuunin looked positively scared.

As he should.

What happens next is a blur, of which Naruto can only remembers bits and pieces.

He looks down at his bloody fists…

And Tetsuo's crushed body and scull.

He gets up from his torso like it burned him, scrambling to his feet. Tears sting at his eyes at the realization of what he's done. It's becoming harder to breathe, like someone is squeezing his airway. He could feel his heart beat in his ears loudly.

Naruto puts a hand to his mouth when he feels the bile rise in his throat but Sakura's told him one time that blocking puke, even for one second, could kill you. Normally didn't think he'd ever pass up on an opportunity to die, but he suddenly isn't so sure anymore. And that's how he ends up vomiting on the man he killed, as if to secure his special place in hell.

Evacuating his stomach seems to have brought him back to his sense. He sniffs and wipes at his mouth with his sleeve.

He feels weird.

He feels guilty, angry, anxious, regretful, a little sad, a probably a million other emotions.

It's exhilarating to just – feel. He hasn't just felt – that way, that _much_ – in so long. It's almost a relief, and it contrasts beautifully with the heaviness in his throat and the tightness in his heart.

He feels his face twitch into an expression he hasn't made in a while – a tentative smile, and he feels two sharp canines poking on his lower lip.

_I'm a piece of shit._

* * *

Naruto doesn't know why the Hokage's summoned him. He's taking deep breaths. He couldn't know about Tetsuo, right?

Naruto left his body in the woods. It seemed kind of weird that his disappearance is treated as a nukenin case and not a murder one. Surely, someone should've found him…

Sarutobi-sama extends his hand. "Here."

Naruto takes what's inside it.

He ties the forehead protector around his head, and bows to the Hokage.

"Congratulations, Naruto," he starts. "I think Tetsuo made a mistake failing you. You're… a very promising ninja. I know that because I've been watching you. You've been through a lot this year but you've worked hard and you earned this."

Naruto nods. He's a genin?

He's been watching him?

"I would like to apologize for the way everyone's treated you over the years. I know it doesn't take away the damage…" he gets up and puts his hand on Naruto's shoulder. "I think of everyone in this village as my family. And I take care of my family by keeping an eye on them. You see this?"

Hiruzen guides him to a small table, where a crystall ball was resting on a purple pillow.

"This is how I use my Toumegane to monitor the village," he put his hands around it and the ball reflected a part of the village he knows all too well – the woods.

Naruto nods slowly.

He's going out of his way to show him that he knows everything that goes on in the village.

Is that a threat? Or…

Is he protecting him?

Also… if Hokage-sama's seen what he's done in the woods, what else had he seen?

Naruto feels the blood rising to his cheeks in humiliation. _There's no way he saw what that man did._

* * *

Their jounin sensei seems almost as depressed as they are.

On first meeting, he's the encapsulation of everything a ninja shouldn't be; lazy, unstable, unmotivated…

Naruto feels like this team wasn't chosen by chance. To him, it looks like they gathered all of their fuck ups – a mute, a deaf girl, a boy who'd probably take the first opportunity he got to go berserk and kill everyone, and a sorry excuse for a jounin – for some reason still unknown to him.

"Great. I'm with the weirdoes." Sasuke says.

And Naruto knows it's all for show, because he practically begged him to join the team.

"Sasuke, I accidently bumped into you earlier and you tried to punch me in the throat. Didn't even apologize. You're the weirdest one here." Kakashi-sensei replies.

"Tch."

"Anyway. Why don't you introduce yourselves. One at a time." He says and signs at the same time, and Naruto wonders why everything that comes out of his mouth sounds like it's forced, like he's bored with the whole situation and he wants them to know.

"Can you give us an example?" Sakura asks.

"I'll start. My name is Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate… I don't feel like telling you. I do have hobbies. Several. And my dream for the future… I haven't really thought about it. Your turn."

… _ok._

"Um, my name is Sakura Haruno. I don't really hate anything…" she starts, and it sounds like a lie, "I like… um…" she blushes as she shakes her head and forces a chuckle, looking down. "It doesn't matter. My dream is to become a great kunoichi, to prove everyone, including my parents, wrong. They wanted me to give up on being a ninja because I'm deaf, but I want to rise through the ranks and earn a position that will grant me the power to change things for kids like me. At the Academy, and in the ninja world in general."

_That's great_, Kakashi-sensei smiles (he thinks). "Your turn," he speaks this time.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality: I will join my brother in the pursuit of the man who killed our clan and destroy him myself, and in doing so I will bring our honor back."

Naruto observed his sensei while the boy talked; the man just sat there, totally unimpressed. Then he turned to him, and Naruto realizes it is his turn. He opens and closes his mouth and for some reason he forgot he couldn't talk. The embarassment is a great reminder.

Sakura puts a hand on his shoulder. She smiles at him.

_I'll interpret, _she signs.

Naruto nods, letting out a deep exhale.

He swallows and starts signing, Sakura translating in awkward japanese for him.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki," she starts, "I like ramen and I hate injustice. I don't have hobbies. My dream for the future… is to become a shinobi worthy of honoring Iruka-sensei and to – oh…" Sakura stops and blushes at what Naruto signed last, "and to protect Sakura-chan."

* * *

**A/N: thx for the reviews! all of them! **

**to answer the last one: sorry if it felt rushed, i tried to put 3 months of developping friendship into one chapter and I guess i wasn't too successful at making it smooth. Also, there was less angst for a reason, just like in this chapter but it serves the purpose of making the following angst greater. Naruto's definitly not done suffering, unfortunately. as for the rookie 9, you'll have to wait and see, though they won't have a great impact on this story, sorry!**

**to answer another review: sasuke already knows he's activated the sharingan! during the massacre (which is a little different here since itachi's not the one to have done it).**

**ok so i made a little mistake but i fixed it, thanks tipsykitsune for pointing it out. sakura usually reads lips but she can't read kakashi's bc of his mask, so when she understands what he says, it's bc he signed at the same time. **

**Tell me what u think! about tetsuo, hiruzen, the mess that is team seven...**


	4. Variables

_this is kind of fast-paced bc i don't want to make this fic super long and i just needed a small chapter to connect the last one with the next one. sorry! i hope it's still enjoyable nonetheless._

* * *

Routine was good at first. It kept him busy and gave him the sense of direction Naruto needed to keep going when he just felt like blowing off everything to stay at home . He'd wake up, get ready, find Sakura and Sasuke and wait about twenty minutes for Kakashi-sensei to show up and give them their D-rank mission assignment.

But like everything else on earth, routine gets old.

Naruto never really looked forward to the usual day. He never looked forward to anything anymore, except for the day when he'll finally do. He's tired. Doing the same thing, everyday, with no sign of change any time soon, it just… tires him.

That and, the realization that Team Seven is the loser team.

He wasn't sure at first because, okay, they have their issues; their sensei looks like he's craving death, he's a goddamn mute, Sakura is deaf and Sasuke is jumpier than a cat and crazier than an old bat and he still refuses to learn sign langage. But that didn't necessarily mean anything, they always completed their missions on time and effectively.

Then he asked himslef, why did the Hokage put all of those basket cases in one team? A team is supposed to balance itself out, not drag itself down. Then came the realization that, they were the only genin team that still didn't get an above D-rank mission, while every other genin team were on C-ranks.

They were dumping all of their shitty missions on them.

That actually… sucked. Naruto _felt_ the disappointment. He did, because he'd already decided that his job would give his life purpose. Something for himself and to honor Iruka-sensei, not like his vow to always protect Sakura-chan.

Naruto has no tether to his old life, especially after Iruka died. This isn't a new chapter for him – it's a whole new book. Shouldn't it mean something?

* * *

Sakura calls this bonding time. Naruto thinks it's just her way of distracting them from the fact that they're looked down upon by pretty much every ninja in Konoha, and the civilians.

They're eating at Ichiraku's because she knows ramen is his favorite, but… he hasn't been there in more than a year. Ichiraku and Ayame are nice to him, which makes his stomach somehow twist uncomfortably. Maybe he's just hungry.

Plus, the last time he went here, he was with Iruka. Actually, he's never been to Ichiraku's without him, and whether it's because he feels guilty for being there with people that weren't him, or because eating here just brings back all of the memories—the last truly happy memories he has—all he knows is that he'd rather be anywhere else.

(And he should be glad to feel again. He's numb whenever he's at home but ever since he graduated, the days where he just—feels—have gotten more numerous and he should be glad for that.

He used to be so inexistant, almost transparent. He can't remember most of his final year at the Academy, it's all a blurry image. It made him addicted to any kind of emotion, any kind of sensation. A yearning more than a craving.

Now he can feel again—sometimes—and he's not sure he likes it anymore. Because it's all so painful, all he feels is just negative, negative, negative… And, sometimes he thinks he likes it a little too much. Because hurt makes him feel like he exists, like he's not just some shaped entity letting life pass him by as he stares into nothingness all day.)

"Three miso ramen!" Ichiraku exclaims as he and Ayame put the bowls in front of them.

"Thank you," Sakura signs and says at the same time.

_You're welcome_, Ayama signs, making Sakura smile so big.

_See, even Ayama knows sign language,_ he signs to Sasuke, who gives him his darkest glare in response.

Sasuke is so weird, probably even weirder than him. Because he can act so arrogant and mean one second, then turns into a complete anxious mess the next. And because he pretends to hate them but he always tags along on hang out plans begrudgingly even though Sakura doesn't force him to come. And he says a lot of weird shit.

"It's fine, Naruto. Sasuke-kun doesn't have to if he doesn't want to."

He's about to form a sign with his hands, to ask Sakura why she's defending Sasuke and why she's speaking even though they'd agreed to only sign when he was being difficult to annoy him, when he sees that… she's not even looking at him.

She's looking at Sasuke. Longingly.

Oh.

_Oh._

That… is the kind of pain he doesn't like.

It's compressing his heart, his chest heavying and it's squeezing around his throat. Like he can't talk, but even harder. Like he wants to—cry? No. His eyes aren't burning, or even tingling, but they do see red. He wants to scream.

Iruka's told him about heartbreaks, so he knows what this is.

(And then there are times when he misses being numb. Because he'd rather be a walking corpse than getting the only positive feelings he has for someone trampled all over again. But it doesn't stop anyway, because it's not a sprain, or a bone breaking or a concussion.

This is Sakura-chan, the girl he's been in love with for as long as he can remember, and she loves someone else.)

* * *

Things changed after their mission in the Land of Waves.

Sasuke stopped underestimating Sakura, for once. Then he learned sign langage because "it's stealthy and it might come in handy" which is something they've been telling him for months but whatever. He uses his Sharingan and learns everything in one afternoon. Naruto kind of hates him for that.

(He put so much effort into making Sakura happy and Sasuke just took one look at the book and she hugged him so grateful.)

He also started looking at _him_ differently. So did Sakura, even though she likes to mask her own feelings too, he could see the slight falter in her gaze when he looks at her or the way she hesitates before she reaches out to him.

He gets it. They saw him for who he really is; a jinchuuriki. All blood-thirsty and full of rage and repressed emotions. And maybe he shouldn't have killed Haku and Zabuza but they almost killed Sakura and Naruto never breaks a promise.

Or, maybe they saw that he could've stopped, but that he didn't want to. That stabbing Zabuza repeatedly with his kunai was his way of slaying his own demons, his own _demon_.

Word gets around, so at least the villagers stopped bothering him after that. Now they just hide their kids behind their backs when he walks past.

* * *

_How did you all sleep?_ Kakashi signs, but barely bothers to listen or look because he doesn't actually care.

_I don't sleep, I only dream_, Sasuke signs. "Of revenge," he adds, as he compulsively cleans his kunai from any remaining (imaginary) blood.

_What the fuck_, Naruto thinks.

"What the fuck?" Kakashi says aloud.

* * *

How long has it been?

How many months have passed since the routine started?

Naruto can only recall a blurry succession of sad and sadder, coupled with a few brief, clear moments here and there. Sakura holding his hand, Sakura smiling at him genuinely for the first time after the Land of Waves mission, the realization that Kakashi doesn't hate him, Sasuke one upping him _again_, Sakura ruffling his hair…

It wasn't always like this. He can't remember when exactly but he does remember that there were more than a few happy days. He can remember the sensation of a clear head on a sunny day but it's also like they never happened at all.

It's been almost a year, and everything is the same. The only thing that's changed is his ability to deal with that.

Laying in his bed, two hours late for Team Seven's biweekly common training, Naruto sighs with the weight of everything he has to do today, the fact that he's been doing it for ten months or so, and the awareness that his life is but a boring routine, a prison he can't escape from.

_Come on, get up._

_Sakura's waiting for you, they're all waiting for you._

_Come on._

He sighs again.

_No one's waiting for you._

He must have gotten used to the few events that brought out his emotions, because now, they're also part of his routine. When was the last time Sakura made his heart skip a beat? When was the last time he cared about Sasuke doing better than him in a mission or a practice?

(Poor bastard must feel so unchallenged. He hasn't been a good rival in months.)

He can't move. He hasn't showered in four days. He hasn't eaten in two days. He hasn't peed since yesterday, or maybe even before. His whole mid-section and lower abdomen kinda hurt.

If Iruka were still here, he would drag him to the bathroom himself.

_Hm_. No, he wouldn't. He would pretend not to notice the smell of his room and sit on his bed to talk about feelings. Then Naruto would get annoyed at his constant yapping and go pee to get away from him.

But Iruka is not coming. And Naruto has no one.

He hates those morning moments. When he remembers that his life is shit and Iruka is dead. He experiences the loss all over again, but it's worse, because the pain isn't as intense anymore.

Is he allowed to get better? Does he even deserve to after what he did to him?

No—stop. The villagers are wrong. Naruto loved Iruka. His death is not on him.

But.

Maybe. Maybe, his moving on from that is a punishment in itself. Maybe, when he stopped feeling the full pain of his loss, he stopped feeling everything else, and he's become numb again.

He's back to square one, back to what he was as an Academy senior. And he can't stop sighing. Is it because it's the only action he can take? Or because he's finally accepted the fact that this is the most he can expect from himself? Nothing more than a few lucid moments that will dull overtime, until the weeks start to merge together and he'll wake up one day, slightly older and still as miserable? Do and repeat? Forever?

That sounds like hell. Kakashi said that, hell is other people, once. That's not true. Hell is the routine.

And what the fuck is this noise?

How long has this knocking been going on for?

Naruto recognizes that knocking pattern. It's harsh and regular, like the person behind the door is making sure everyone in a five miles radius can hear it because they—she—can't hear it herself.

Sakura-chan. _I don't want you to see me like this._ But he can't refuse her anything.

He gets up and the pain is worse than before. The messed up part of his brain enjoys it. Bending at the waist and clutching at himself, Naruto slowly walks out of his room and towards the door, wishing the pain in his kidneys away for Sakura's sake. When he opens the door, the force he used to turn the knob sends a sharp stab where it hurts the most and he can't stop a small groan from escaping.

The door opens wider and Sakura comes in and it's too late. Naruto rushes to the bathroom.

He can't let her see him pee his pants.

He makes it in time to the toilet to relieve himself of the rest, but there's a already a stain on his pyjamas.

Hell is me.

"Na—I'll let you get ready. Take a shower, I'll prepare your clothes." She knows.

Of course she knows. Her sensory levels are off the charts. Fuck. And she's grabbing him clothes and underwear right now, meaning she's witnessing the state of his room.

The humiliation is almost as great as the pain he still feels in his kidneys. But he strips, steps into the shower, and cleans himself through it. Having finished, he dries himself with a handtowel and puts on the clothes Sakura left for him in front of the door.

He can't bring himself to get out, though. He already dragged the showering long enough, but he doesn't want to face her.

_Just go. Do it. She's here to see you._

He gets out of the bathroom eventually. He doesn't find her in the living room, but he does notice that the windows are open and the trash is fuller. Then he stumbles into his room, and finds Sakura, sitting on his bed—his made bed, with new sheets—not surrounded by dirty clothes and weeks old empty ramen boxes.

There's the laundry basket he never uses, full. The chair that used to be in the middle of the room, empty and in a corner. The dust is all brushed to a different corner of the room, waiting to be collected and thrown into the trash. The window is open, and a scented candle is lit.

She cleaned his appartment.

Fuck, he feels everything. Days since Sakura made his heart skip a beat: 0.

He can feel the love and affection, and how touch starved he is.

Ironically, now that he's back at a hundred percent, he can also feel the obliterating pain in his kidneys. Clutching at himself, Naruto tries to make it to the bed before he falls. Sakura catches him and helps him lay down.

She's fussing over him, but he can't understand her clearly because she's rushing her diction.

_Sorry_, he signs. The movements make him hiss in pain.

_Lay still_, she responds. _I'll help. I'm here for you._

Her hands light up green from chakra. Right. She's been taking some classes after Kakashi-sensei got hurt on the field a few months back.

The flow feels good on his body, and he soon starts to fall asleep.

* * *

When Naruto wakes up, he catches the end of Sakura's healing chakra, and concludes that he must have only been out for a few minutes.

He does feel better. Everything about Sakura is healing, in a way. Her calming words, her kind face, her simple presence. Even the way she gets angry and competitive has this soothing quality to it, like those emotions are normal and human and Sasuke and him aren't weird or messed up for depending on them. She's so sweet. And pretty. And loopy. Wait, no—that's him. He's loopy.

He doesn't care.

"Naruto. Naruto, can you hear me?" He nods. "Okay. I only helped you with the pain, but I think you have a kidney infection, we need to get you to a hospital." He nods again.

She's so sweet.

"Naruto…"

He doesn't like it when her voice gets sad.

"You – you can't just give up on yourself like that."

He nods again. He's listening.

"We missed you at practice today. Me especially, annoying Sasuke by myself isn't as much fun."

_Next time I miss practice, you should mention how he and Kakashi-sensei are 'practically twins,' that'll piss him off_, he signs.

_I don't want you to miss practice!_ She sighs. "Naruto, next time you're feeling like this, just… don't let it build up. Come to me right away."

_I don't want to burden you. You're the only thing I care about._

Why is she tearing up? Did he sign something wrong? Fuck, she's so sweet.

Maybe he's selfish. He always ends up convincing himself no one cares about him until Sakura reminds him that she does. Is she okay with that? Wouldn't it be easier for her if she didn't have to worry about him?

Maybe she secretely hates him for burdening her with his mental stability.

"Naruto, whatever you're thinking right now, stop it. Just," she takes a small breath while closing her eyes, then opens them again with a tentative smile. "When you're sad, think about me. About us. Happy thoughts are what get you through the day!"

Is she talking from experience?

Does she need happy thoughts to get through the day, too?

Is he a part of them?

He can protect her from a lot of things, but not from her own head. Nonetheless, he can ease her mind.

_Ok_, Naruto signs.

If Sakura needs him to be better, then he'll get better. He can't afford to be too engrossed in his own head anymore, not when Sakura is collateral damage to his own selfish pain.

...

Guilt.

(He remembers now, when the feelings were starting to come back in numbers. He'd spent a good twenty minutes trying to count them all at the end of the day. Sakura cheered for Sasuke when he got a good hit at Kakashi-sensei: jealousy, envy, anger. Kakashi-sensei was late again, and made them wait three hours under the rain in front of the other teams: embarassment, frustration, anger. Sasuke caught the underwear thief even though Naruto was the one who spotted him: frustration, annoyance, jealousy, bitterness, fucking rage.)

He feels sorry, too. Sorry that he didn't see that Sakura was still struggling with her own repressed feelings. He can't even imagine which ones. He didn't grow up deaf, bullied by his own friends, with no support from his own family, all the while choosing to take care of other people's feelings.

Is that something she does to avoid thinking about her own?

* * *

"Hello, gang." Kakashi exclaims boredly—he can do that, apparently—and signs at the same time, "Ready for the next mission? Did you all bring your pouches and your A game?"

"Tch. Of course. Just like a barnacle goose, I was b—"

"Sorry I brought it up," Kakashi-sensei cuts Sasuke off. "Let's go, ladies and gents. And Sasuke."

Sakura chuckles, and Naruto feels a smile growing on his face and for once, it's not just because of the sound of her voice.

This is his team, they're his life. Maybe he was wrong to think that he wouldn't grow to care for them.

* * *

**A/N: thanks again for reading!**

**To answer last time's reviews: yes, i am totally aware that i went overboard with the tragic backstory, i was hoping that it would work in the end though and i hope it did a little? I'm kinda immune to them honestly after reading so many mangas (cough cough berserk). I'm sorry if the assault storyline is too much for some people and i'll keep it as pg as this fic can get. Now the reason naruto's origin story is so overly tragic and different from the show is because i wanted to keep him as canon as possible. Canon naruto is a very hopeful kid, it would have taken a lot to break him (since canon events didn't) and that's what i did, give my naruto too much to deal with, until he broke.**

**You know, it does seem like naruto suffers too much. i agree. the tragic event are pretty much done (for him) but, you know, he's still dealing with the trauma so he's not done suffering.**

**Also, sorry for the rushing of events, you're totally right, it feels unnatural! This chapter is the last one like that though!**

**As for Hiruzen, i definitely tried to write him as how kids see most adults and politicians. He's kinda incompetent in canon already (he let danzo get away with a lot of shit, he barely kept his promise to kushina…) but i do think he has good intentions. I dont think 'the rest is up to him' was abnormal, or ooc. It's actually quite ic considering what he did. and for the crystal ball, well. he does see a lot of things, but not everything, although he does try to keep an eye on naruto as often as possible. you'll see!**

**About the weird tense shift in narration, i'll try to do better! I'm french so english grammar is not my forte.**

**Oh, and about Iruka's death. I'll admit, initially I didn't prepare a storyline about that, he just died during a mission he exceptionally accepted (exceptionally bc he's an academy sensei so he doesn't go on missions), but if what i have in mind for the story later on isn't rich enough, i might add a side storyline about his death.**

**And lastly, thank you all for reviewing, and the nice comments! I'm glad you like my fic and how I wrote ino, shino, and team seven!**

**Tell me what you thought!**


	5. Dreams

"Hello, gang." Kakashi-sensei exclaims boredly—he can do that, apparently—and signs at the same time. "Ready for the next mission?"

"Tch. Of course. Like a barnacle goose, I was b—"

"Sorry I brought it up," he cuts Sasuke off. "Let's go, ladies and gents. And Sasuke." Sakura giggles softly and he smiles at the sound.

Their sensei is walking backwards, to keep facing them as he signs the details of the mission, another C-rank. But, he did mention them trying out for chuunin again when this is over. The first time was brutal (it's been a whole year, since. Naruto is not exactly looking forward to it,) and they didn't even hand in an application six months ago.

"We're going to Konoshiki, the Fire Country's samurai village," he explains, _But you already knew that, Sakura, right? I think your grandmother still lives there._

Naruto turns to her confusedly and catches Sasuke's equally surprised look. He thought both of her parents were Harunos.

_She does_, Sakura signs, looking down. She timidly avoids their questioning gazes so Naruto puts his hand on the top of her head to calm her nerves. When she looks at him with shy eyes and pinched lips, he ruffles her hair like she usually does his, a gesture that always lets him know she's here for him.

He's here for her too, always.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Kakashi-sensei says (and signs), in a surprisingly soft manner.

_It's okay, Kakashi-sensei_, she smiles. _My __mom was born in Konoshiki, the daughter of a ronin. I've never been there before, though, because of the tensions between ninjas and samurais. Which is why I'm a little surprised that a samurai paid for our services._

Naruto moves his hand from her hair to her shoulder, but his heart is not in the motion.

Sakura's been keeping secrets from him, personal matter that he thought they were close enough to share. Is it selfish of him to be disappointed? Is he entitled to the little pinch he feels in his heart? He hasn't exactly been an open book with her either.

She doesn't know about his rape. She doesn't know about the demon trapped inside his body. Hell, she doesn't even know about the feelings he harbors for her. It is kind of hypocritical of him, isn't it?

"I was surprised too, but we'll get our explanation when we get there."

"Something's fishy," Sasuke says. "The samurais are a very proud people, and they absolutely loathe us. They're also very capable, why would they need a genin team to protect them?"

Sasuke is paranoid, and jumpy, and he doesn't trust anyone he hasn't spent at least three hundred hours with—his words, not Naruto's—but he's usually right about those things and, he does raise a valid concern. Something is fishy.

_Who are we babysitting, exactly?_ Naruto signs.

"A kid, a ten year old boy named Shin. We were hired by his father."

As Kakashi-sensei gave him his answer, Naruto felt something grow in his stomach; excitation, anticipation, light nervosity. Is he looking forward to the mission?

…Yes.

That feels good. Just a week ago, he wasn't looking forward to anything, he was a sack of meat and bones, barely sentient. Maybe this is it: the end of the tunnel.

* * *

The travel to Konoshiki only takes them a few hours. The samurais at the front gates weren't too pleased about letting a bunch of weird, mismatched ninjas into their revered village, and Kakashi-sensei shoving their mission notice and the Fire Daimyo approved permission slip to enter the village into their faces didn't help either. Still, they merely clenched their jaws and let them through. Kakashi-sensei explained to them afterwards that, unlike ninjas, samurais were way too polite to express their discontentment upfront when it came to hosting out of towners.

It was sort of weird to Naruto. Samurais were the proud ones, yet they stooped to passive aggressivity with strangers they didn't like. And shinobi were supposed to be stealthy and cunning, yet almost every shinobi he's met was loud and abrasive. Even jounin level ones.

He put that thought to the back of his mind; his job isn't to overanalyze the intersocial and behavioral patterns of the two groups. He's here for the little boy currently swinging his legs from the kitchen chair he was sitting on.

When they knocked a few minutes earlier, he was the one to open the door, all teeth and bounce. He made the introductions for him and for his father, before making a comment about Kakashi-sensei's mask, and how much he wanted to pull it off and possibly put it in his mouth. (That kind of awakened something in Naruto. He's always been curious about the face under the mask but now he's actually thinking about biting into that damn mask. What the fuck. Kids.)

Shin is… something. He reminds Naruto of himself before—everything. Shin is smiley, and happy and judging by his father, Jin's look, Shin is also hiding a dark secret.

"I'll be gone for three days, and I need you to look after my kid in my absence," Jin starts. He's a rather strong looking man, with the scars to prove so. "People around here… well, they don't exactly like us, and I don't trust them not to go after Shin while I'm not here to protect him."

Kakashi furrows his eyebrows slightly, and says out loud what they're all thinking, while Naruto's heart keeps beating a little too fast with the anticipation of what their mission entails.

"May I ask you why? Hiring ninjas seems a little extreme, don't you think?"

"No, it's not…" Jin sighs. "The villagers, they have a grudge against us."

When he doesn't elaborate further, Sasuke presses on.

"My son was… cursed. With an unbreakable jutsu, sealed on his back," Jin explains finally, eliciting a small, almost inaudible gasp from Sakura.

_Oh?_

"By a shinobi?!" Sasuke asks.

"Yes. Years ago, before the armistice between Konoshiki and Konoha, when the conflict between our two villages was at its apogee, I fell in love with the enemy." Naruto feels Sakura perk up at the words she read on his lips. "She was deemed a traitor in the eyes of her people, and so was I in the eyes of mine, but we didn't care. By the time we got married, and Ainu… and she, got pregnant, the armistice was signed, and we thought we finally made it…" He trails off.

"But there were still tensions," Sakura finishes for him. "Because the ninja is the natural enemy of the samurai."

Fuck.

He shouldn't be this excited. He can't help it, he can't help the fact that, what is so painful to his favorite person is providing him with insane amounts of dopamine.

_I'm sorry, Sakura-chan._

"You're right, little girl," Jin continues. If Sakura had any problem with being called _little girl_ by the man who hired her, she didn't show it. "My uncle, the daimyo, had agreed to release every prisoner of war, as agreed with Konoha. But one of them went mad when he saw Ainu carrying my son, and one night, he killed her, kidnapped Shin and sealed the curse on his back."

Tension fills the room at his words. Team Seven is acutely aware of the prejudice of humans, but even that seemed like overkill.

Naruto's not a cruel person. He hates injustice. He hates seeing people suffer. But.

The pain that always comes hand in hand with his compassion and empathy is so intense, he can feel a tingle in his toes. His stomach is starting to hurt a little too, and that's a little less pleasant, but any sensation is welcomed and appreciated, considering the past months.

"The curse is cruel, like the shinobi who cast it. It brings out a sort of split personality if he even _touches_ a katana, and a strange power that's not entirely his own. Shin then becomes uncontrollable, and is set on slaying every samurai he comes in contact with, and… that has caused some issues."

_I wonder if any of those scars come from Shin._

"Has he hurt anyone before?" Kakashi-sensei asks.

"That's not the point. They've tried to hurt my boy before, my own neighbors!"

Jin feels guilty. Naruto can see it in his eyes. He's under the impression that he could have stopped it, the curse. If he never married Ainu, maybe. Or he never brought a child into this world, or if he had been strong enough to stop the ninja that ruined his life.

Hm. He's lived through more hurt than most people do in an entire lifetime, yet he's still so naive. More naive than a thirteen year old jinchuuriki.

You can't change people, you can't even change yourself. Even if he had gotten to the shinobi before he killed his wife and cursed his son, some other ninja would have come along and completed the job for him. Or a samurai.

People are cruel, especially adults. Jin was always destined to his own misery. Prejudice outlasts the body.

"He'll never be a samurai." Jin finishes sadly, finally admitting what he thinks is the worst part of his son's predicament.

"Have you tried breaking the seal?"

"Shin would die if anyone were to try to break it or take it out."

Kakashi-sensei then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like _the fourth would have been able to, or his wife_, but he understands why he won't say it louder. It's frustrating even to him.

* * *

It's a familiar feeling to all of them, being disliked. Being hated. And by all of them, he means Team Seven and Shin.

Even Sasuke knows a thing or two about unpopularity. Most of the boys in the Academy hated his guts, but also before the massacre of his clan, the Uchihas were hated for being police, not that Sasuke remembers a lot of it. From what he gathered from the (very few) times his past was brought up, it seemed that his memory was still a little warped from the massacre.

Yes, he's _that_ observent.

So, Naruto can deal with villagers giving him dirty looks, and elaborate insults, and the whole shebang that comes with an entire village hating your guts. He can even understand it. He hates his guts too, sometimes. Plus, the Konoshiki villagers weren't even that bad until Sasuke fell asleep in the middle of a restaurant – well, more like he was annoying Kakashi-sensei so he put Sasuke in a genjutsu-induced coma – and woke up from his nightmare screaming I'LL KILL YOU ALL.

That kind of sealed the deal on the whole everyone-hates-their-guts-and-thinks-they're-bloodthirsty-assassins thing.

What he can't deal with, is Sakura getting the same treatment.

The samurais, they recognized her immediately. They remember her mother, and how she betrayed Konoshiki and everything they stand for, by falling in love with a ninja and carrying his child. Now, Sakura's paying for her sins. In their eyes, she's an aberration, just like Shin is.

And Naruto can't fucking do anything. He can't keep his promise to her, because that would endanger his other vow. And because Sakura asked him—quite sternly—to stay out of it.

The high has officially come down, he hates this mission.

Combine that to the fact that this is the most annoying job ever—because _someone_ keeps on disappearing as a prank (which is like, the lamest prank ever. And Naruto knows his pranks, okay).

The thing is, he likes to keep an eye on Sakura during missions. But they're all separated now, to cover more ground, looking for the local troublemaker. He's harder to catch than a cat, Naruto thought.

He already passed all the stores, the hospital, Sakura's grandmother's house, and there was still no sign of the boy. What did Naruto do, all day, when he was ten? That was so long ago, he was an entirely different person back then. He can't even remember what he used to like, besides ramen, pranks and Iruka. (There's still that pinch he feels in his heart whenever he thinks of his old friend.)

Surprisingly, it's when Naruto's lost in his thoughts and is wandering purposelessly that he senses a familiar untrained chakra signature, near a more familiar trained one.

_Of course he's at the park. Sakura-chan found him, she's so smart._

Shin is watching three boys play in the sand together, an innocent grin on his lips. He doesn't have any friends, because kids always inherit their parents' stupidity and biggotry.

There's something about watching helplessly while someone lives through a painful event that you've experienced yourself that is so… horrible. You might call it empathy, but it's deeper. There's a sense of unity behind that feeling, like he wants to reach out and make it better for Shin. To know someone's pain is different than understanding it.

Naruto understands. And he'd like nothing more than to befriend Shin, and tell him it gets better, but… it doesn't.

Because Naruto grew up, and he made a friend, and he's pretty sure Kakashi-sensei and Sasuke might care about him too, but he's still so sad. Just like Shin is. That's not going away, that emptiness, that loneliness. That evolves, into something so much more painful. Something so deeply ingrained it's impossible to get rid of.

Growing up in such an environment sucks. There's no other way to put it. It sucks.

Shin is going to grow up, and become vulnerable, and asocial, because crowds will remind him that, even in a sea of people, there's no one that actually wants him there. And he will avoid social gathering at all costs because he doesn't want to actively be left out, and isolating yourself feels so much safer, and more dignified; like you have a choice either way.

People, strangers will laugh and he'll think, _are they laughing at me? Do they know? Do they know I'm the odd one out?_ And then, when that insecurity stops (for a while, only, never forever) he'll think, _I'll never laugh like that __with __anyone._

He'll try to keep busy - if he can, if he's not too fucking sad or too fucking lazy - not think about the future, because thinking about the future breeds nothing but the miserable acknowledgement that, if things haven't gotten better by now, they most likely never will.

Shin's smile drops, and before Naruto can wonder if he knows that he's here or if Shin can read his mind, the boy walks towards the sand square, where two of the kids playing seem to have turned on their friend, a small boy with big, round glasses.

"Leave him alone!" Shin yells, as he starts to pick up his pace.

"It's the freak! Let's go!"

Shin runs when they start to get away, but stops when he gets to the sand with the crying kid, under the dying chants of the two bullies shouting, "Freak! Freak! Freak!"

"Are you okay?" Shin extends his hand.

"Leave me alone, freak!" The boy screams as he swats the offered hand. "You're not my friend!"

Shin gulps as he watches him run away to join his friends but quickly puts on a happier facade before anyone can notice.

But he did. And so did Sakura, apparently, as she motions the boy over from a tree. He smiles, happy to finally announce the winner of his impromptu hide-and-seek prank and skips over to sit next to the trunc, close to her.

"My mother is from Konoshiki, too, you know. And my dad is a Konoha born shinobi," she starts. Naruto notices the way she still forms signs, and wonders if she means for him to hear her too.

(Because there's no way she doesn't know he's here. Her chakra sensibility is amazing. It also occurs to Naruto that Sakura doesn't know about his hyper-senses.)

"Really?! Was she a samurai?!"

"She was. Then she moved to Konoha, and when she married my dad and had me, she earned the legal right to become a ninja."

"She's a ninja now?! That's so cool!"

Sakura chuckles. "Guess what her specialty is."

"Kenjutsu!"

"You got it first try!"

There's a silence that follows their small laughs, and Naruto isn't so sure he should be here anymore. It feels too intimate, like he's intruding.

"She wasn't always accepted, though, you know. Actually, even to this day… Hm. I remember when I used to go grocery shopping with my mother. We used to get fruits and vegetables thrown at us by the older civilians, or the shinobi veterans. But my mom never let me skip it. Even when I begged, she said it was important to show that we're not afraid, and that we deserve to live our lives just like everyone else."

He never knew that.

That must be the samurai pride Sasuke was talking about.

"I wish I had stories to tell about my mom, even sad ones." Shin says.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to – thing is, I was bullied, a lot, for being deaf and for being a samurai's daughter. And now, I'm a ninja. I was discouraged by everyone, and I mean everyone, even my own, prideful, kickass samurai mother, to follow my dreams. And I'm _still_ a ninja."

"Wait, even your mom?!"

"Yup. Turns out she was more maternal than she was a warrior. Sometimes, I feel like, I kinda hate her for not protecting me enough, for pushing me into the lion's den everyday to make me stronger then expecting me to stay complacent about my situation and not become a kunoichi." Her hands shake on the last signs.

"Don't say that."

"Right – right, I'm sorry. What I mean is, my own parents didn't believe in me because of my deafness. I had a slow start at the Academy, even though I tried the hardest." She takes a deep breath. "No one sees your efforts or how much you want something, they just wanna see the results."

Naruto understands now. Sakura's talking to him too. She's perceptive and she cares about him and it's both an advice and a sign of trust. She wants him to know she understands his pain, and that he's – they're not alone.

"I don't get it," Shin says.

"Yes, you do. And I'm sorry."

The silence that follows confirms Sakura's words.

"I think I wanna be a ninja."

_Sakura, I think you have a fan. _Naruto can perceive her smile from afar.

"Good. That's why you need to become strong."

"Is that what you did?"

_Oh, you definitely have a fan._

"I'm almost there."

"Are – are you happy?"

"I'm almost there," she repeated.

* * *

"For the last time, Shin, we're your bodyguards. Not your servants." Sasuke sighs.

"Why is Kakashi-san cooking for me, then?" Shin asks defiantly.

"He's literally poisoning your food as we speak. You shouldn't have called him a fat-assed asparagus."

Naruto snorts quietly. That's an oddly accurate description of Kakashi-sensei.

"Whatever." Shin starts. "If I get sick from the food, maybe Sakura-chan will tenderly nurse me back to health." His eyes practically sparkle.

"...She's not gonna give you any sponge baths if that's what you're going for."

"Of course not, that's what I have you for."

* * *

The mission ends tomorrow night. Naruto almost can't wait.

It's been… trying. It hit too close to the heart.

He'll be leaving Shin to his own demise after tomorrow, and no offense to Jin, but Naruto doesn't trust any adult when it comes to protecting their kids.

It's silly. He's barely talked to the kid, purposely so. He doesn't want to get attached to a poor bullied boy with similar life experiences that he'll never see again. Fuck, when did his heart warm up? When did he get back his ability to care so deeply for someone again?

Did he even get it back at all? Or is it just Shin, the pain they both share? It must be some kind of cosmic metaphor, the fact that he keeps running away from them.

Naruto is the one to find him first this time, because his shadow clones are great for that recon stuff. But he's too late, Shin is on the ground, sporting a few bruises as a couple of teenagers tower over him menacingly.

When he gets closer, he can hear some fragments of the one-sided conversation. Something about a _Katsura-sensei_ and a _greatest man there ever was_. Whatever. Naruto's about to do his job now. Unfortunately for him, he won't be able to take his frustrations out on them, as they scatter when he approaches the scene.

Naruto doesn't run after them. They're not his mission. Shin is. Kakashi-sensei will be happy to hear that Naruto's learned some self-control.

Naruto looks down at Shin, still on the ground. He's never seen Shin actually look defeated before, so he assumes that whatever that was about, it must have struck a cord with him. He takes Shin's hand wordlessly and pulls him to his feet.

"Thanks," the boy says, staring at his fidgeting hands.

_Let's get you to Sakura-chan. She'll nurse you tenderly back to health,_ Naruto signs. At the boy's confused look, Naruto abruptly remembers that not everyone can understand sign language. He mimicks a woman's figure by accentuating a butt and a chest with his hands and puckering his lips.

Shin giggles. "I'm fine. You got there on time."

Naruto briefly acknowledges that, he's been making more jokes lately, like he used to. He wonders if that's him going back to his old self; it doesn't seem possible, with everything that's happened. If he did, would he get back his voice?

They make their way back in a comfortable silence.

"They were right, those boys. He was a great man," Shin says sadly. Naruto nods softly at him, letting him know it's okay to continue, and so he does. "Katsura-sensei was… he was the best samurai in the village. He wanted be to me able to control my curse, so he took me into his dojo. I – I killed him on my first day."

Ah, so that's what Jin was alluding to.

Naruto really hates the universe sometimes. He's spent his entire life convincing himself that fate is a made up concept and the future is something you decide of yourself, yet, Naruto is almost exactly what the villagers expected him to be. There must be some kind of fate to his existence, or he wouldn't have met Shin, who's life almost mirrors his completely.

Is Iruka-sensei Naruto's Katsura-sensei? Did Naruto really kill him, then?

"I'll never forgive myself for it. But, I think, if I can do something good with my life, something that matters, then, I might be able to honor Katsura-sensei's memory."

Naruto cocks his head to the side, to say, _like what?_ Although, he had a feeling he already knew.

"I think I wanna become a ninja," Shin blushes. "I don't know how yet! But I can do it. Then one day, I'll become daimyo of Konoshiki and I'll instaure real peace between samurais and ninjas, so no one will ever go through what my family and Sakura's family went through."

Gods, he's so hopeful. How does one go through this much pain in so few years yet still come out of it with hope? And dreams for the future?

That's… he used to be like that. What happened to him? If Shin can still hope after everything, why is it so hard for Naruto to do the same thing?

"And despite everything, I still want to protect my village. I know they're afraid of me but, I don't know, maybe if I was them I would be afraid too… Plus, we live at the border of the sea. Pirates usually avoid our village, since we can actually defend ourselves, but one day they might not. I think, if I can learn to control my curse, I'll be able to protect them should that day come!" Shin grinned.

Naruto smiles back, and he feels his heart swelling. Can it really be that easy?

As they pass by the park on their way home, Naruto recognizes the blond boy with the glasses from before. When he catches Shin's eyes, he smiles bashfully at him, his eyes betraying the guilt he felt.

Maybe it can be that easy. For Shin, and for Naruto.

* * *

_A/N: thanks for the last reviews! this is 1/2 of the first official arc. while all of them are centered around naruto, each of the three following arcs give us more insight on sakura (here), then sasuke and then finally kakashi. i think they will each have two chapters + a "connection" chapter._

_tell me what you thought!_


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